It's really hard to hear the truth about how God has a plan for everything that happens...especially something unpleasant happens to you. Like, how is something so painful going to help me? What is the point of all of this God?!
I recently had a long talk with my brother, one of my best friends. We just talked about what we were going through, and we were both going through some difficult circumstances of our own. My brother instantly touched base on the fact of God's sovereignty and that everything that happens to us has a purpose. I was upset.
I didn't want to hear about it, but I knew it was true. I just didn't know why. I told my brother, "Why? I just want to say, 'God, why? I already went through with this once!'" and I just started shedding a tear or two.
But I knew it was the truth.
My brother is someone I really look to for help for a lot of things: homework, games, spelling/definitions (yes, he has a wider vocabulary than I do. gg.), and so much more. He really is one of my best friends. It's great and at the same time, I sometimes wonder how I'm doing with my role as the older sister, haha. Well anyway, he inspires me in the way how once I tell him what's wrong with me, he doesn't hesitate to remind me of God's sovereignty. After he gave me a quick reminder how, in the difficult times, God is with us still and those difficult times are what help us grow and be stronger. It may feel tough and unfair, but it all works out for the better in the end. It still somehow was not good enough for me.
Me: But I'm like... I just want to say, "God, I already went through this once!"
Lok-Hin: Well... sometimes... it takes more than once for God's message to get across to us.
It was a bitter pill to swallow... but I swallowed it.
My brother was right. Lately, it really did feel like I was putting what I wanted before my priorities. Even though, I thought I was starting to finally do something right, then I get the rug pulled right from under my feet. Seems unfair, right? Actually, this is God's way of humbling me. Harsh as it may seem and feel (and yeah it feels really harsh right now), this is truth: what I'm going through right now, is God's way of humbling me. To remind me of what I did not want to be.
There's someone I really care about. Someone I felt so lucky to meet, and I still feel that way. Before I knew it, I wanted to be with this person more and more. I think about them a lot and hope that I don't text them too much to look creepy, haha... I really wanted to be right with this person. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I was honest with myself and with them about how I felt. We appreciated one another's honesty and I thought I was on the right track. But at the same time, I was starting to put my personal feelings ahead of what I always wanted. And it was starting to have me make the same mistakes I made once before.
I didn't want to hear what my brother or what my other friend had to say. I already knew the answer for myself. I just didn't want to admit it. I wanted things to go my way. I was using my personal feelings to twist the truth I knew, and I feel ashamed.
I ask, "God, I thought I was on the right track. Why are you not giving me this chance to change? Please give me another chance!"
Thing is... maybe I won't get the chance. This is nothing to do with the person, this is all about my own obedience. God knows the person I am and what I'm like, heck, He made me. He knows my feelings, my desires, my fears. Yet why is He putting me through this? Because He knows that through this, is how He gets His point across to me and my hardened heart.
On the flip side, maybe I will get another chance. But, will I understand the gravity of how my feelings can be affected by my own understanding? Will I be doomed to make the same mistake, or will I grow and do the right thing the next time? I earnestly hope and pray I will do the latter.
[A common question people ask is why Christians have this tremendous faith in the worst of situations. Why not abandon God? Honestly, it's because He did not abandon us. The bad times that happen in our lives all have some sort of meaning in our lives and in the end, we all become stronger through our faith in God. Why? Because He is with us in the good AND He is with us in the bad. He shows us the results of our struggles, whether it'd be closer relationships, stronger faith, humbler hearts, wiser minds, etc. The thing is, we might not see those end results right away. I didn't see an end result to some of my struggles till year or even more later! But the thing is, it's there! No matter what! That's why I believe God has not abandoned me and that He is refining me to be stronger, wiser, but most of all, humbler]
So yeah, I still feel upset about the hard truth, but at the same time, I feel relieved after talking about it with my brother. I don't know what God has planned for me ("what's tough sometimes is that we don't know exactly what God has planned for us" -- Lok-Hin) but... no matter what, I know that I'm in His hand. Also, it's a good reminder that, no matter what, all pain is temporary.
As for the person I care about. I really want them to know who I am, and that I really do care about them. I'm sorry for what I said, I could've responded better, but I am hurt that they haven't responded to my apologies. I will wait patiently and hope that in the end, it only leads to reconciliation and something better.
Lastly, for everyone else who's going through a difficult time (Christian or not), there is a God who loves and wants to help you understand and see the light in the dark times. There is not a bondage to religious rules or laws, but bondage to freedom and a relationship with He who sent His perfect Son to die, resurrect, and bridge the gap between us and God. For Christ became man to feel human pain, to understand and shoulder ALL the pain we go through, so we won't have to suffer the weight of sin.
Food for thought, so have a blessed night everyone :]
10.29.2011
I hate being too emotional >:
You know when you get in a fight with a friend and you realize the gravity of the fault on your side? Well, it hurts enough that you look in retrospect and think, "Oh man, why did I do/say that?" but it's definitely a double whammy when you want to apologize and straighten it out with your friend, and they just don't want to talk to you; they don't want to hear it. And that's understandable on their part.
Anyway, I recently got into a fight with a friend, and believe me, not one of my proudest moments. In my last post, I mentioned that I'm an emotional sort of person. Sometimes that's a good thing, other times... not so much of a good idea to let your head run right over reason. Despite being emotional, I'm usually very level-headed and understanding. But for some reason, that moment, I just decided to be selfish and say what I felt. I got back a pretty expected answer, which I deserved, but at the same time... man that hurts.
It made me think about how I responded once to another friend last year. Man, I was too emotional and it was pitiful. My friends assured me that they were in the wrong too, but I look at myself back then and think, seriously dude, it wasn't worth crying over (no, I did not cry this time, I'm a big girl now). Part of the reason why my friendship with that person is a little tainted now is because I wasn't being honest with myself.
Now, I'm more honest to who I am and it's been great. It's not like I completely changed, but I'm more outgoing now, I'm more confident in who I am, but... this emotional thing. Eh. It's a good thing I'm honest in the fact that I'm an emotional person, but at the same time, I have to be in control with which emotions I let out.
Going back to the recent fight with my new friend, I tried justifying to myself that "I was just being honest in what I felt. I was just being myself, right?"
Wrong.
I mean, yes what they said might've really felt rude on their part, but at the same time, I was also in the fault. I could've just said, "Oh okay, that's fine. Don't worry about it." Instead I decided to get snarky. But before I realized that I was acting like I did back then...it was kinda too late for me to sincerely apologize. I admitted that I overreacted and I wanted to speak with them to let them know why I said what I said. But, I haven't heard back from them yet.
[you know that awkward space in time where you want to make things right, so you just leave messages of wanting to apologize and reconcile, but you don't want to send/talk too much or else it makes you look desperate? yeah, worst feeling.]
I always ask myself, "Why am I still like this? I hate being such an emotional person. Why did I take what they said so personally?" Right now, all I can say is, "Whatever happened, happened. Now suck it up and be patient." Simply because, there's no point in stressing out over it. I said what I wanted to say and it's time to just wait for their response. Maybe they're not as mad as I thought, maybe they just need time before wanting to hear what I have to say, maybe their battery died and didn't get my messages. Bottom line is, I can't force them to listen to me.
So, right now I'm just going to wait for them. Hopefully they'll forgive me and, we can come to an understanding. As for the emotional thing: I just have to keep my emotions in check, and think about whether it's worth the trouble in hurting both them and myself.
(pssst, it's not!)
Anyway, I recently got into a fight with a friend, and believe me, not one of my proudest moments. In my last post, I mentioned that I'm an emotional sort of person. Sometimes that's a good thing, other times... not so much of a good idea to let your head run right over reason. Despite being emotional, I'm usually very level-headed and understanding. But for some reason, that moment, I just decided to be selfish and say what I felt. I got back a pretty expected answer, which I deserved, but at the same time... man that hurts.
It made me think about how I responded once to another friend last year. Man, I was too emotional and it was pitiful. My friends assured me that they were in the wrong too, but I look at myself back then and think, seriously dude, it wasn't worth crying over (no, I did not cry this time, I'm a big girl now). Part of the reason why my friendship with that person is a little tainted now is because I wasn't being honest with myself.
Now, I'm more honest to who I am and it's been great. It's not like I completely changed, but I'm more outgoing now, I'm more confident in who I am, but... this emotional thing. Eh. It's a good thing I'm honest in the fact that I'm an emotional person, but at the same time, I have to be in control with which emotions I let out.
Going back to the recent fight with my new friend, I tried justifying to myself that "I was just being honest in what I felt. I was just being myself, right?"
Wrong.
I mean, yes what they said might've really felt rude on their part, but at the same time, I was also in the fault. I could've just said, "Oh okay, that's fine. Don't worry about it." Instead I decided to get snarky. But before I realized that I was acting like I did back then...it was kinda too late for me to sincerely apologize. I admitted that I overreacted and I wanted to speak with them to let them know why I said what I said. But, I haven't heard back from them yet.
[you know that awkward space in time where you want to make things right, so you just leave messages of wanting to apologize and reconcile, but you don't want to send/talk too much or else it makes you look desperate? yeah, worst feeling.]
I always ask myself, "Why am I still like this? I hate being such an emotional person. Why did I take what they said so personally?" Right now, all I can say is, "Whatever happened, happened. Now suck it up and be patient." Simply because, there's no point in stressing out over it. I said what I wanted to say and it's time to just wait for their response. Maybe they're not as mad as I thought, maybe they just need time before wanting to hear what I have to say, maybe their battery died and didn't get my messages. Bottom line is, I can't force them to listen to me.
So, right now I'm just going to wait for them. Hopefully they'll forgive me and, we can come to an understanding. As for the emotional thing: I just have to keep my emotions in check, and think about whether it's worth the trouble in hurting both them and myself.
(pssst, it's not!)
10.27.2011
"... I found the one my heart loves."
Though the book Song of Songs has received mixed responses, it is one of my favorite books in the Bible. It may be because I'm an emotional and or a romantic person, but I don't see the book as necessarily an erotic book. It's simply romantic to me.
I guess what I like about it is that God wants romance in our love, in our relationship with our spouse. There is not only passion, but also maturity in the three reminders saying, "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." (Song of Songs 8:4)
I also appreciate Solomon and his wife's mutual desire to be role models and looking after a friend, a sister, who is not yet an adult and inexperienced in love. This really hits me in what I'd love to have in a relationship: spiritual maturity and growth. Being with a man who pushes/encourages me to love Jesus Christ more and more, to always be hungry for more of Jesus, and who loves me second to Christ, I will be very much blessed. I also hope that I will be able to do the same for him.
Sometimes that sort of relationship feels intimidating for me, because it can mean being in difficult situations where my plans may be interrupted by God. However, I know that God's plans are greater than mine. Still, I know that when it happens, it might cause me hesitate; I can only hope that I will made humble and follow His plans.
When my husband is in a low point in his life, I want to be able to patiently help and work with him. Maybe he won't need or want my help, and when it comes to that, I want to patiently wait, pray, and know that God is with him and helping him overcome even when I can't. Because He is greater than I am.
Though I am not ready to be in a committed relationship, I certainly look forward to it. Not because the emotions are there, but because he is my best friend and I see Christ resounding in his life.
[Something that some Christians misunderstand that just because the person they like is Christian, they should just go for them. However, that is not the right way to look at it. Yes, whether or not the person is a Christian (a growing Christian!) should be your first filter. BUT are you two even compatible? I know a lot of great, Christian guys, but would I date them just because of that? Probably not, because we don't have too much in common. Plus, I don't think God wants us to date/marry willy nilly solely on the basis that we share His gift of grace. There's gotta be some more chemistry and connection.]
Well, back to my original reason of saying all of this... ^^;
This past year, my parents bought a pair of Mr. and Mrs. coffee mugs (the cutest things, they got a nice modern look). Inside the rim of the mugs, is this saying: I found the one my heart loves. - Song of Songs 3:4. Ever since, that verse has stayed in the back of my mind. It would just come to me in the most random of times (commuting, school, meals, in the shower), and each time, I think of my parents' marriage and I think, "I want to have that".
I know I'm still a ways away from making the second most important decision in my life, but... I'm excited and I will wait for the day when I look down on my left ring finger, where there sits a silver band, with words inscribed on it "I found the one my heart loves."
< yes, that's what I'd like for my wedding band :] >
I guess what I like about it is that God wants romance in our love, in our relationship with our spouse. There is not only passion, but also maturity in the three reminders saying, "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." (Song of Songs 8:4)
I also appreciate Solomon and his wife's mutual desire to be role models and looking after a friend, a sister, who is not yet an adult and inexperienced in love. This really hits me in what I'd love to have in a relationship: spiritual maturity and growth. Being with a man who pushes/encourages me to love Jesus Christ more and more, to always be hungry for more of Jesus, and who loves me second to Christ, I will be very much blessed. I also hope that I will be able to do the same for him.
Sometimes that sort of relationship feels intimidating for me, because it can mean being in difficult situations where my plans may be interrupted by God. However, I know that God's plans are greater than mine. Still, I know that when it happens, it might cause me hesitate; I can only hope that I will made humble and follow His plans.
When my husband is in a low point in his life, I want to be able to patiently help and work with him. Maybe he won't need or want my help, and when it comes to that, I want to patiently wait, pray, and know that God is with him and helping him overcome even when I can't. Because He is greater than I am.
Though I am not ready to be in a committed relationship, I certainly look forward to it. Not because the emotions are there, but because he is my best friend and I see Christ resounding in his life.
[Something that some Christians misunderstand that just because the person they like is Christian, they should just go for them. However, that is not the right way to look at it. Yes, whether or not the person is a Christian (a growing Christian!) should be your first filter. BUT are you two even compatible? I know a lot of great, Christian guys, but would I date them just because of that? Probably not, because we don't have too much in common. Plus, I don't think God wants us to date/marry willy nilly solely on the basis that we share His gift of grace. There's gotta be some more chemistry and connection.]
Well, back to my original reason of saying all of this... ^^;
This past year, my parents bought a pair of Mr. and Mrs. coffee mugs (the cutest things, they got a nice modern look). Inside the rim of the mugs, is this saying: I found the one my heart loves. - Song of Songs 3:4. Ever since, that verse has stayed in the back of my mind. It would just come to me in the most random of times (commuting, school, meals, in the shower), and each time, I think of my parents' marriage and I think, "I want to have that".
I know I'm still a ways away from making the second most important decision in my life, but... I'm excited and I will wait for the day when I look down on my left ring finger, where there sits a silver band, with words inscribed on it "I found the one my heart loves."
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