Me: Why me God?! God: This too shall pass.

It's really hard to hear the truth about how God has a plan for everything that happens...especially something unpleasant happens to you. Like, how is something so painful going to help me? What is the point of all of this God?!

I recently had a long talk with my brother, one of my best friends. We just talked about what we were going through, and we were both going through some difficult circumstances of our own. My brother instantly touched base on the fact of God's sovereignty and that everything that happens to us has a purpose. I was upset.

I didn't want to hear about it, but I knew it was true. I just didn't know why. I told my brother, "Why? I just want to say, 'God, why? I already went through with this once!'" and I just started shedding a tear or two.
But I knew it was the truth.

My brother is someone I really look to for help for a lot of things: homework, games, spelling/definitions (yes, he has a wider vocabulary than I do. gg.), and so much more. He really is one of my best friends. It's great and at the same time, I sometimes wonder how I'm doing with my role as the older sister, haha. Well anyway, he inspires me in the way how once I tell him what's wrong with me, he doesn't hesitate to remind me of God's sovereignty. After he gave me a quick reminder how, in the difficult times, God is with us still and those difficult times are what help us grow and be stronger. It may feel tough and unfair, but it all works out for the better in the end. It still somehow was not good enough for me.

Me: But I'm like... I just want to say, "God, I already went through this once!"
Lok-Hin: Well... sometimes... it takes more than once for God's message to get across to us.

It was a bitter pill to swallow... but I swallowed it.

My brother was right. Lately, it really did feel like I was putting what I wanted before my priorities. Even though, I thought I was starting to finally do something right, then I get the rug pulled right from under my feet. Seems unfair, right? Actually, this is God's way of humbling me. Harsh as it may seem and feel (and yeah it feels really harsh right now), this is truth: what I'm going through right now, is God's way of humbling me. To remind me of what I did not want to be.

There's someone I really care about. Someone I felt so lucky to meet, and I still feel that way. Before I knew it, I wanted to be with this person more and more. I think about them a lot and hope that I don't text them too much to look creepy, haha... I really wanted to be right with this person. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I was honest with myself and with them about how I felt. We appreciated one another's honesty and I thought I was on the right track. But at the same time, I was starting to put my personal feelings ahead of what I always wanted. And it was starting to have me make the same mistakes I made once before.

I didn't want to hear what my brother or what my other friend had to say. I already knew the answer for myself. I just didn't want to admit it. I wanted things to go my way. I was using my personal feelings to twist the truth I knew, and I feel ashamed.
I ask, "God, I thought I was on the right track. Why are you not giving me this chance to change? Please give me another chance!"
Thing is... maybe I won't get the chance. This is nothing to do with the person, this is all about my own obedience. God knows the person I am and what I'm like, heck, He made me. He knows my feelings, my desires, my fears. Yet why is He putting me through this? Because He knows that through this, is how He gets His point across to me and my hardened heart.
On the flip side, maybe I will get another chance. But, will I understand the gravity of how my feelings can be affected by my own understanding? Will I be doomed to make the same mistake, or will I grow and do the right thing the next time? I earnestly hope and pray I will do the latter.

[A common question people ask is why Christians have this tremendous faith in the worst of situations. Why not abandon God? Honestly, it's because He did not abandon us. The bad times that happen in our lives all have some sort of meaning in our lives and in the end, we all become stronger through our faith in God. Why? Because He is with us in the good AND He is with us in the bad. He shows us the results of our struggles, whether it'd be closer relationships, stronger faith, humbler hearts, wiser minds, etc. The thing is, we might not see those end results right away. I didn't see an end result to some of my struggles till year or even more later! But the thing is, it's there! No matter what! That's why I believe God has not abandoned me and that He is refining me to be stronger, wiser, but most of all, humbler]

So yeah, I still feel upset about the hard truth, but at the same time, I feel relieved after talking about it with my brother. I don't know what God has planned for me ("what's tough sometimes is that we don't know exactly what God has planned for us" -- Lok-Hin) but... no matter what, I know that I'm in His hand. Also, it's a good reminder that, no matter what, all pain is temporary.

As for the person I care about. I really want them to know who I am, and that I really do care about them. I'm sorry for what I said, I could've responded better, but I am hurt that they haven't responded to my apologies. I will wait patiently and hope that in the end, it only leads to reconciliation and something better.

Lastly, for everyone else who's going through a difficult time (Christian or not), there is a God who loves and wants to help you understand and see the light in the dark times. There is not a bondage to religious rules or laws, but bondage to freedom and a relationship with He who sent His perfect Son to die, resurrect, and bridge the gap between us and God. For Christ became man to feel human pain, to understand and shoulder ALL the pain we go through, so we won't have to suffer the weight of sin.

Food for thought, so have a blessed night everyone :]