You know when you get in a fight with a friend and you realize the gravity of the fault on your side? Well, it hurts enough that you look in retrospect and think, "Oh man, why did I do/say that?" but it's definitely a double whammy when you want to apologize and straighten it out with your friend, and they just don't want to talk to you; they don't want to hear it. And that's understandable on their part.
Anyway, I recently got into a fight with a friend, and believe me, not one of my proudest moments. In my last post, I mentioned that I'm an emotional sort of person. Sometimes that's a good thing, other times... not so much of a good idea to let your head run right over reason. Despite being emotional, I'm usually very level-headed and understanding. But for some reason, that moment, I just decided to be selfish and say what I felt. I got back a pretty expected answer, which I deserved, but at the same time... man that hurts.
It made me think about how I responded once to another friend last year. Man, I was too emotional and it was pitiful. My friends assured me that they were in the wrong too, but I look at myself back then and think, seriously dude, it wasn't worth crying over (no, I did not cry this time, I'm a big girl now). Part of the reason why my friendship with that person is a little tainted now is because I wasn't being honest with myself.
Now, I'm more honest to who I am and it's been great. It's not like I completely changed, but I'm more outgoing now, I'm more confident in who I am, but... this emotional thing. Eh. It's a good thing I'm honest in the fact that I'm an emotional person, but at the same time, I have to be in control with which emotions I let out.
Going back to the recent fight with my new friend, I tried justifying to myself that "I was just being honest in what I felt. I was just being myself, right?"
Wrong.
I mean, yes what they said might've really felt rude on their part, but at the same time, I was also in the fault. I could've just said, "Oh okay, that's fine. Don't worry about it." Instead I decided to get snarky. But before I realized that I was acting like I did back then...it was kinda too late for me to sincerely apologize. I admitted that I overreacted and I wanted to speak with them to let them know why I said what I said. But, I haven't heard back from them yet.
[you know that awkward space in time where you want to make things right, so you just leave messages of wanting to apologize and reconcile, but you don't want to send/talk too much or else it makes you look desperate? yeah, worst feeling.]
I always ask myself, "Why am I still like this? I hate being such an emotional person. Why did I take what they said so personally?" Right now, all I can say is, "Whatever happened, happened. Now suck it up and be patient." Simply because, there's no point in stressing out over it. I said what I wanted to say and it's time to just wait for their response. Maybe they're not as mad as I thought, maybe they just need time before wanting to hear what I have to say, maybe their battery died and didn't get my messages. Bottom line is, I can't force them to listen to me.
So, right now I'm just going to wait for them. Hopefully they'll forgive me and, we can come to an understanding. As for the emotional thing: I just have to keep my emotions in check, and think about whether it's worth the trouble in hurting both them and myself.
(pssst, it's not!)
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